This year has been a year of changes, divisions, and further splitting of people into opposing groups of hopes and beliefs. It seems that the next few years might not necessarily be better, maybe there will be more opportunities, we will see! I am noticing a lot of struggle with me and a lot of people around me, partly due to the recent ongoing election in my country. I am noticing suffering and big surprises that some of us had. Others probably have their hopes close to coming true. Our world is painful because we cannot accept its power to change and our impermanence. It is not change itself that is painful but our resistance to it. Moreover, we are exporting pain to places like Bangladesh, where our clothes are sewn, or to nature, where we bear responsibility for the incredible destruction of species—and yet we don’t even recognize that animals are capable of suffering. My daughter shared with me one of the optional classes that she enrolled in, and it is called “empathy across species” and I was embarrassed to realize that I never thought that animals could have empathy. We exclude those who suffer from the world of work, confine the elderly to homes, and try to delay death as long as possible. Many people have forgotten that we are part of this world and, therefore, so part of the eternal cycle of becoming, change, and decay. The less we surrender to this reality and the more artificial situations we create to protect ourselves, the more we help what we do not want to see return through the back door—in a different form, often one we have little control over. I am convinced, and shared with you, that to win a “battle” you have to become your enemy, the one that you hated too much. So what value-added, does the win have, Ultimately, we must admit that everything we dislike and everything we believe is beyond our control, was created by us. Talking to some friends, I said that we are all responsible for all the wars that we have now on this planet. And he was quite surprised about my conclusion. In reality, our thoughts, (no) actions, our behavior, ethics, decisions, etc – that we make with each human interaction, are the drivers for the (lack of) life that we live today. There is nothing for which we are not (co-)responsible. This is hard to understand because we have become masters at looking for—and usually finding—responsibility in “others.” How can I live with such responsibility without losing my laughter, cheerfulness, and good sleep? Acceptance of what is, helps us regain these qualities. And doing your part of the work in anything that you believe in. They are essential for changing anything. For some of us, this is a difficult path because daily suffering is not easy to bear. Everything in this world is connected; every person is also a mirror for you. We only have ourselves, and no one will come to save us. Our world is in constant flux; it is born every morning and dies every evening (metaphorically speaking). We assume the world will be the same tomorrow when we wake up as when we go to sleep. This certainty is both necessary and good. Yet, the morning may be different from the evening— for example, what happened with elections here for some of us. The world is not worse in such moments, just different. Taking care of ourselves when necessary, and helping when someone is going through difficult times—are all part of our humanity. Resisting what is, shouting “why, why,” is something we do to keep reality at bay and deny it. It is our frantic attempt to maintain some control over something much greater and wiser than us:Life. Saying “YES” to what is, also allows us to rediscover our laughter and cheerfulness—because why not laugh at things we cannot change anyway? And then go to work, enjoy the Christmas holidays, and all the other things that are on your plate – from this state of being.
Tips and tricks that help you manage your emotions Emotional management and difficult relationships are closely linked because effective emotional management is essential for navigating challenging interpersonal dynamics. Regulating your emotions means taking responsibility for your feelings, reactions, and your internal world. Have your emotions work for you, not against you. There are a lot of debates and discussions this year on emotional regulation/ management, and from my experience, I noticed that the more uncertainty we have, the less we can regulate/ manage our emotions. Tips and tricks for emotional management: The more my clients took emotional management as their objective, they went easily through the 3 phases of learning: Emotional management is a problem within the problem. Most people stop working on emotional regulation after the first phase of learning, being afraid or emotionally interfering with the possibility of not making it. It might look too scary or to hard work to solve it once you know. And they stop taking action, that would be the way to change habits and beliefs. The more you feel your emotions consciously and on your terms, the more you can stay present and manage difficult conversations in an effective way. Do you have a plan before starting a difficult conversation? When you notice yourself putting off a difficult conversation, take the proactive step of planning for the discussion. Start by answering the following questions (from Judy Ringer’s ‘checklist for difficult conversations’): These questions can help you reflect on your motives, and then imagine the other person as a potential partner, rather than an opponent. In today’s world, we can add value whenever we consider a win-win conversation with a partner. When we think win-lose, difficult conversations might bother us for a long time. You can actively develop your emotional management skills with me! Schedule a meeting here and let’s start this journey together!
The link between working hard and life disappointment Recently I started to work with a client on a customized management program on WLC – work-life coaching. After going through this process with several clients already, I realized that most of us might have a very wrong belief. For example: when we were learning in school, how were we told to learn – learn hard? If you do not learn hard, you might not have great opportunities in life. When we are working now, how do we believe we should work to have success and a great career? We should work hard. After +25 years of working hard, I now know that it is not right or wrong. Sometimes we work hard, but if we do not have enough wisdom, we will destroy ourselves. This is wrong for the business as naturally it will have more and more challenges to motivate and retain people, and wrong for us as well as work and career are more like a marathon than a sprint. Even if you feel that others are expecting you to run sprints all the time, did you see anyone running a marathon as a sprint? What does being heard feel like? Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.— David Augsburger When you work hard most of the time, it’s possible to have a state of mind that is anything but pleasant, to you and others. So you might become disappointed quite often. DISAPPOINTED? Ever ordered a medium-rare steak in a restaurant, and it was served to you well done?Ever asked your teen in the morning to do the dishes and come home from work to find out that they’re not done?Ever driven somewhere, and it took you twice as long because of a construction area?Ever done tons of exercise and gotten on the scale two weeks later just to find that your weight is the same?Ever gone to your doctor for a routine wax clean-out and left with a surgery date on your schedule? Expecting life to always turn out the way you want is guaranteed to lead to disappointment because life has its way of turning out. And when those unfulfilled expectations include also the failure of other people to behave the way you expect them to, the disappointment will turn to resentment. Why don’t we get upset when a cup of coffee does not make itself, but we might get upset if someone else does not make us a cup of coffee? Where do we get the sense of power to think that merely expecting others to behave the way we want them to will make them behave that way? And what entitles us to get angry at other people when they fail to meet our expectations? Expectations with people are often based on an implicit social contract. That is, without actually verbalizing expectations about give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads about legitimate expectations of each other. So, people in a relationship have a “deal” in which the deal’s specifics are never really talked about. It is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don’t know what they are, but you still might see this failure as a violation of your social contract. And if you have an irritated state of being… then it’s clear that you are mostly disappointed. Becoming aware of this link might ring a bell for you as it rang a bell for me too. More on this topic: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cui-bono/201802/the-psychology-expectations I can help you transform working hard into working smart! Schedule a meeting here and let’s start this journey together!
Type of boundaries and how to protect them There are many different types of boundaries. One of the most frequent ones is the time boundary or when we are busy all the time and it becomes busy to be busy. Building awareness of your boundaries will protect your time, your energy, and your emotional capacity. Time boundary is what we all hear all the time when we meet someone and when we want to schedule a meeting. It happens when we have a low level of awareness and we let the outside world take us hostage. 1. Time boundaries Time boundaries protect your most precious resource (time 😊). They manage how many hours you dedicate to relationships and activities. We respect these boundaries by allowing others to define for themselves how to manage their time. Exercise – food for your thought: 2. Emotional boundaries There are many different types of boundaries. One of the most overseen is the emotional boundary when we are fighting our emotions and we make decisions based on our logic only. Emotional boundaries drain your energy and keep you in a victim’s mental status, taking a lot of time to come back to the state of mind that you had before. Emotional boundaries include not only how we want to feel but also how we want others to feel. In short, it means separating your feelings from the feelings of others. We respect emotional boundaries by letting each person have their own emotional experience without trying to manipulate it. It means feeling safe to experience our own authentic emotions and give others that safety as well. Exercise – food for your thought: 3. Psychological boundaries One of the most recurrent boundaries is psychological boundaries. Psychological boundaries deal with your thoughts, beliefs, and ideas, as well as how, when, and how much you want to share them. Each person is entitled to their worldview and personal way of interpreting reality. We respect psychological boundaries by honoring different belief systems and refraining from manipulation or pressuring others to share when they don’t want to. Exercise – food for your thought: You can actively work on your boundaries with me! Schedule a meeting here and let’s start this journey together!